Things created while drunk. Because I make good life choices.
How to prepare for a hurricane:
Okay kiddies, for some of my New York (and other upper East coast friends), a hurricane is a scary thing that only happens in Florida. Luckily for you I’m a Floridian who now lives in New York so I’m here to teach you how to prepare for a hurricane!
- BUY ALCOHOL NOW. If power goes out, you’ll get bored.
- Fill your bathtub with water so if they shut the water off, you can still flush the toilet (use a cup to fill the toilet enough so it flushes)
- Fill up every water bottle you have with water, or buy lots of water in case power goes out.
- Buy Jesus candles from the bodega. They’re cheaper and last longer than normal candles and it’s less likely that all your panicked neighbors will have bought them.
- Charge all your cool toys today before the storm. You’ll want your iPhone, laptop, kindle, iPad, iPod, iWhatever to work as long as possible.
- Buy enough food that doesn’t require refrigeration to last you three days. Peanut butter sandwiches anyone?
- Delete your internet browser history so in case you die, no one knows what kind of porn you like.
- Put valuable papers into a ziplock bag. You’ll want things like your ID and passport in a safe, waterproof place.
- Remove window screens and secure window A/C units. And if you’re lucky enough to have a porch or whatever, I hate you, but also remove any potential flying missiles like pumpkins and scarecrows.
- Stop by an ATM and get some cash just in case.
- If you ARE in an evacuation zone, EVACUATE. It’s annoying, but IF something happens and you stay, you’re not just taking a risk for yourself but also risking the lives of rescue workers.
- Get junk food now. You’ll be bored.
- If you’re a hipster with a battery powered radio, awesome. You can use that relic to get updates on the storm! (Spoiler alert: I don’t have a battery powered radio.)
- Have batteries for your flashlights.
- Put all your candles/flashlights/glowing mystical orbs in one location that’s easy to find in the dark. That way you’re not playing Helen Keller at 2am, trying to find a matchbox in a clutter drawer.
- Take a shower TONIGHT in case your apartment loses power and you don’t get to shower again for three days.
- You can buy baby wipes in case you don’t get to shower again for three days and you smell really horrible.
- If taping a magical X on your window makes you feel safe, go ahead and do that but it doesn’t really do anything. Feel free to also put a line of salt on the window frame or sheeps blood above the door. These are equally effective at warding off danger.
Enjoy the hurricane, kids!